I haz none. (In the parlance of internet felines).

April was all about trying to find that push-and-pull which is so elusive for me. I was sick (twice!) I tried launch this website as well as a second one (for a group). I’ve been itching to get back to writing this whole time (a good sign!) – whatever the current project is going to reveal itself to be. I also had to start preparing for May, as I am conducting a community band for the summer. I sang a couple of times, and felt the urge to reconnect with some friends I haven’t spent much time with lately (although I haven’t done much about that yet). Not to mention the Brass Quintet rehearsals, as well as my regular band rehearsals. And, of course, feeling much guilt for not being or doing enough. May was kind of a write-off. I was exhausted. I just didn’t have any energy to spare. I felt pushed to the limits of my endurance. And now June is almost done. And still, no writing.

I have always been atrocious at keeping a generally level keel in my life. I’m all in or all out – there is no in-between. So, when I’m into music – that’s all I want to do. When I was into yoga – I went three to four times per week. When I was into ceasar salad – I ate one almost every day for six months (I am not even kidding).

Try as I might, I just can’t seem to weave all things that are important to me into the fabric of my life in any regular or patterned way. If my life were a tapestry, well, it would look much like a two year-old designed and executed it. In fact, I venture to guess that a two year-old would infuse more artistry into the thing!

In recent years, I’ve made hard choices to reduce the busy-ness that had become my life. I dropped one band (that’s one night per week of rehearsal), I pulled back from dancing (another night per week). I’ve been very careful to guard my time so that I can do a greater variety of things less often. Not to mention having purchased a home, so I’m now responsible for upkeep in addition to self-care.

Even with these changes, I still feel a sense of imbalance – that there’s just not enough time. I want more time to reflect quietly – daydreaming, reading, and general introverting. I want more time to pursue interests – photography, music, yoga, dancing. I want to hone my writing skills and actually finish something!

While I’ve been feeling a certain malaise for some time, this is the year I finally realised that I’ve neglected the development of a vision for my life. There have been a series of epiphanies, but my sense is that there are more to come. Also, I need to take the time to set my priorities, even if it means my commitment to activities has to be for a shorter term than a year. So I shall continue to introspect, and to attempt to discover what sort of a life I want to lead now that middle age is on the horizon.